So, I just got a pretty weird idea about a fic I’m never going to write. Though, I present the prompt to your collective insanity to crackify it even more.
@forcearama @albaparthenicevelut @lurkingcrow @resistancepilots @tygermama @asokatanos
Imagine Knight Anakin Skywalker who was put on probation (something about blowing up a building, Obi-Wan, making things go boom is a legitimate strategy!). A part of his punishment is to teach a few lessons in the Créche. Anakin awaited a horribly booooring afternoon with a bunch of kiddies.
Well, it showed up that the lessons were on galactic politics and kid version about “Why the hell do we even fight a war.”
The thing is, that the only way Anakin knew anything about the legal side of politics was Obi-Wan’s unorthodox style of teaching via presenting his Padawan with completely surreal situations which he had had to analyse with laws.
Surreal situations such as seceding the Republic.
“Imagine, kids, that you really, really don’t like a thing. Like tubers for lunch.”
“We hate tubers!”
“We want ice-cream.”
“But they won’t give us any.”
“Exactly. Now, your caretakers won’t do anything about it despite your protests. So, you declare that you don’t find their authority beneficial anymore, and you write it down. That means that you don’t have to listen to them anymore, and you can do whatever you want. Well, at least what is legal in your new state.”
“How do you write the paper?”
“Well, everything that you need to know is in the Planetary Membership Act.” Anakin was proud he remembered the exact law. A couple of younglings rushed to the datapads. Aw, youth! Look at their enthusiastic lil’ faces!
When he came back the next day with Ahsoka for another lesson, the younglings surprised him when they locked the door behind. And barricaded it with the furniture.
He looked around the tiny forms, all of them beaming with self-satisfactory smiles. One of them, a little Twi’lek girl beamed with pride when she stepped to him, a piece of flimsy in her hands.
“Oh, no….” Ahsoka sighed. Anakin had no idea what was going on.
“Yes, little one?”
“We have declared a new state!” the girl said, handing him the flimsy. “Welcome to Créchestan, President Skywalker!”
“What the…” He eyed the flimsy. Oh force. Oh force.
“Well… At least you know how to write legally binding documents, don’t you,” he gulped.
Obi-Wan’s going to kill me.
and listen, anakin would love to pretend this never happened and never come back to the creche ever, but the younglings voted him PRESIDENT and got hold of his private comm line and are telling him to please be on time for our first session of Creche Parliament, master skywalker, we’re going to discuss stealing master fisto’s water slide—
anakin can’t leave them alone, what if they hurt themselves!! and they refuse to see the council without anakin there, bc they don’t know the Laws And Things well enough. obi wan is having way too much fun, and enthusiastically volunteers anakin to be the Order’s official political liaison to Crechestan, and tells him 2 behave, bc you’re a political leader now, Ahhnakin, please act like one—
And you know ALL about political leaders, don’t you Obi-Wan, Anakin thinks loudly and aggressively. HOW’S MANDALORE THIS TIME OF YEAR.
You know what would be even more hilarious?
a) Crechestan obstinately refusing to submit to the Jedi Council (remember, they’Ve barricaded themselves in the room and the Adults would make them do the boring stuff, which would be hooorible!)
b) Crechestan decides to inform the Galactic senate about their secession. So, the burden of informing Palpatine that the third floor of the Jedi temple broke from the Republic falls on Anakin. Palpatine thinks he’s joking.
c) Jedi decide to solve this insanity by playing by the kids’ rules. So they send the Negotiator. Cue an hour long discussion between him and Ahsoka about his travel permission, until they slip a visa through the crack under the door.
d) the visa is very lovingly made with flimsy and crayons and kiddie stamp
e) all of above
OBI WAN GETS A VISA TO CRECHESTAN THIS MAKES ME RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY. he carries it with him at All Times. he gets captured by dooku once and one of the battle droids pulls it out of his robes, and the resulting confusion and obi’s long-winded explanation is what helps him escape. he has to reapply for a new one, since it gets Ruined in the fight, but the Crechestan Immigration Office is only too happy to help (they knew master kenobi would make it out alive!)
can the 212th get visas too? waxer brings them the Best food and Boil helps carry the ice cream, so the younglings are p Amenable to the idea
Dooku’s Face when Obi-Wan explained that there is another secessionist movement made up entirely by a bunch of six-year-olds must have been a sight.
Of course he carries the visa all times! (Though the Crechestan’s emblem - neon yellow sun with a smiley face - doesn’t do well for his reputation of a fierce warrior)
The Clones will get visas too, but they have to pass an interview. (What is your stance on hugs? What is the best ice cream? Will you make me a plush toy?)
The council members are astonished, I say, astonished. Everything’s Kenobi’s fault. If he didn’t teach Skywalker in a such ridiculous way, none of this would happen!
(Do media get a wind about this? Of course they do… )
Anakin messages Padme about the whole situation and gets back a reply that she doesn’t feel right speaking to the elected ruler of a new country(?) without going through formal diplomatic channels first. (aka she’s laughing her ass off)
So Anakin, as President, and Original Child Character who was elected Ambassador send Padme a formal invitation for Lunch, Ice Cream and the Opening of Formal Diplomatic Relations.
It is a Momentous Occasion. Obi Wan and the Clones are invited.
:D The event of opening the diplomatic channels between Crechestan and Naboo entered the history books as a Not Quite Sane Tea Party. They served tea (courtesy of Obi-Wan, as a goodwill of the Jedi Order), fuckton of cucumber sandwiches (the pinnacle of clones’ culinary art) and the first class naboo ice-cream. That one earned Padmé a double citizenship.
(The immigration officer is a glutton.)
The whole affair was aired on the holonet. When the bussiness companies got a wind of it, of course they showed a very deep interest in this new state’s tax policy.
(The kids have no idea what taxes are and Anakin was hitting his head on a wall in a mad attempt to wake up from this nightmare)
(Cue companies - all companies - from the Republic and the Confederacy - moving to this tax haven.)
Palpatine faces a very, very serious problem.
Anakin and Obi Wan and Padme have to explain to the Younglings what taxes are and what they are used for. Salaries for workers (and the President! to buy nice things for their Favourite Senator!) and things like infrastructure and education and healthcare and other things that help people.
The Younglings think this is brilliant! Who doesn’t want to help others!
Crechestan’s new ‘citizens’ finds they are being taxed at a much higher rate than anticipated and when they complain they are met by children asking them why they object when their tax dollars are being used for Ice Cream and Playgrounds and Comfy Book Corners.
(Anakin’s learning more about politics and fiscal policy than he ever wanted to know. Obi Wan thought it was hilarious until the Younglings voted him in as Junior Secretary of the Treasury, under a very serious young Wookie who’s good at math.)
“What fucking infrastructure IN A FUCKING KIDDIE ROOM?!” yells the President.
“SKYWALKER DON’T YOU DARE TO TEACH THE YOUNGLINGS ANY BAD WORDS!” the poor crechemaster yells from behind the door. The kids were adamant on their strict visa policy. You were allowed to enter their state only if you swore that you won’t put any sort of a bed time.
“Fine! WHAT POOPSIE INFRASTRUCTURE DO WE NEED IN A KRIF- MUFFING KIDDIE ROOM?!”
“Well,” Obi-Wan said, sitting on a tiny bright pink chair with green animal stickers plastered all over it, “you’re running out of the toilet paper.”
“And cookies,” Cody said.
“And crayons,” said Ahsoka. (Drawing enough visas for the 501st and 212th wasn’t without sacrifices)
<’Or we can use the money for actual problems. Like buying out the clones, you know,’> said Ishqaa, the Senior Secretary of the Treasury.
Everyone gets very, very silent.
Ishqaa is very right and very popular with the Clones and Obi Wan likes her a lot.
(Also in the interests of keeping the peace, the residents vote in measures for a Swear Jar and Mandatory Nap Time if your daily contribution to said jar is over 3 credits a day. The naps do Anakin a lot of good but everyone’s shocked when Cody and Mace have to take naps too.)
Wait - THEY LET MACE WINDU IMMIGRATE TO CRECHESTAN?
AND THEY DIDN’T STUFF HIM INTO A PRISON AFTER WHAT HE TOLD THEM ABOUT THE CLONES?
(The prison is the area at the corner, bordered by big plush cubes and giraffe.)
(Obi-Wan spends exactly five minutes pondering why the hell do they take this madness seriously - but it takes one look at his increasingly happy padawan (who just loves to bitch about anything to his minions citizens, really) to just roll with it.)
Mandatory Nap Time - I’m suspicious that there are moments that Obi-Wan and Cody swear like sailors on purpose just to catch a breath.