via
http://ift.tt/2jpi5qI:
aethelar:
warheroics:
adsumcirrat:
hamelin-born:
aethelar:
hamelin-born:
warheroics:
one might ask how does auror Theseus Scamander interrogate suspects he’s arrested?
well, he does it in a unique way
@aethelar
But this is hilarious if you imagine Theseus as being not that much older than Newt and nothing at all like this big serious war hero guy, but in fact being the weird kid with the oddball ideas that just keep working and no one has any idea how he does it (let alone Theseus) but people just learn to accept it.
Enemy camped over that ridge? Ranking officers all spent the last week going over the attack plan flanking them from both sides, spies from the camp have reported security rotation details that have been taken into account? Scrap that. The Scamander maniac reckons we should apparate in the middle in broad daylight and call it a free for all. Yes I know it’s against orders but listen, he’s never wrong it’s freaky shit I’m telling you. We apparate in.
Which was a good decision, because the camp was surrounded by artillery towers that would have flattened any flanking assault. It was a bit touch and go, except somehow Scamander convinced the towers to fire on each other, there were explosions everywhere, someone dived from a flaming tower and landed forty feet later in a kneeling position with one fist on the ground and no broken bones how the actual fuck. You just don’t question it. These things happen around Theseus.
And then the war ends and Theseus is hailed a hero and made a full auror with his own squad to lead and everyone back home is just what??? He wasn’t even trained before he went out, he literally just joined up because he felt like it. How is he leading a squad. He interrogates people with sock puppets are you even sure the man is entirely sane?
All these grizzled war vets just nodding solemnly back. “Don’t worry about it,” they advise. “Life will be easier that way.” No seriously, they asked Theseus’ brother and that was the advice he gave. It’s good advice.
Under Theseus’ lead, his squad enjoys the best track record and the highest success rate of any squad ever, primarily because the various criminals and dark wizards can’t work out the the fuck is going on. Theseus is promoted to Head Auror. Mr Fizzles receives an Order of Merlin. The entire magical underworld decamps to the continent, because “Let us leave England. ‘Tis a silly place.”
Chaos reigns.
This is genius. This Theseus is very much Newt’s brother, you can see the resemblance - only it’s Defense that’s his passion, not Care of Magical Creatures. And he most definitely approaches it in his own unique fashion - if anything, Newt may be the more moderate, easily-understandable brother.
Oh my god(s), imagine him descending on New York after the entire Grindelwald fiasco. Everyone’s expecting this solemn and serious war hero, a British version of Graves, and instead they get this. This oddball, dreamy-eyed man with a distinct resemblance to Newt, who - what is he doing. No, seriously, just what is he doing, what is he doing with that sock puppet -
Have you guys just iron-maned Scamanders? Okay.
So Theseus has his sock puppet and he pairs up with Graves for the added effect. They especially like to interrogate one prisoner and have the other listen in. Amd Mr. Fizzles has been fire-proofed and everything after the first week of Theseus’ auror career, so… Also, he likes to knit, Theseus that is. He likes go knit and makes Things in soft colorful yarn and if you get him pissed, oh God, he can do more Things with his needles than you ever expected…
@aethelar, @hamelin-born, @adsumcirrat - thank you for expanding this crazy headcanon of mine and making it even more amazing and wonderful and crazy and better! This is everything that I was hoping for omg!
You’re welcome! And I have no idea how anyone claims turns in these multi person thread things but I’m going for it. Hah.
Theseus knits? Theseus knits. The things that Theseus knits don’t always… do… the things they were supposed to. I mean. That blanket? It makes you feel cold. Why the fuck does the blanket make you feel cold. The jumper turns your top half around. As in it rotates your spine Theseus that’s just nasty. The socks - oh god the socks. They stick to the floor so that all you can do is slide your feet around. Lifting your feet up off the floor? Hahaha no. Never again. People have to be surgically removed from the damn socks.
Except that Newt (the usual recipient of Theseus’ earliest knitting endeavors) comes across this frost-wyrm egg and it has to be kept at the exact temperature of tundra permafrost, and would you believe it, the blanket is just perfect. The rotating jumper? Theseus hands them out to his auror squads one day, no reason why just a feeling, and makes them all practice wearing them and attempting to walk in a normal fashion despite their legs facing the wrong way. On one of these training exercises they unearth a graveyard of statues that start moving and trying to kill people as soon as you look away, and it turns out that being able to run backwards really fast is actually a very handy skill to have. And those socks? Just the thing for scaling the side of a multistorey building in order to shimmy in through the fourteenth floor windows and stage a dramatic rescue. Yes, you do it with bits of building stuck to your feet and no it’s not exactly subtle even with the silencing charms, but on the plus side none of Grindelwald’s cronies expected an attack from above so win.
Knitting Theseus. People start placing bets on what the next thing will be and how it’ll save the world this time. It’s like some soft and pastel coloured oracle; the stranger the thing that Theseus knits, the more people grimace and prepare themselves for the all-nighters and paperwork ahead.
@adsumcirrat, @hamelin-born your turn go
Pity the auror who catches a snapshot of Theseus holding up a multi-armed, multi-appendage sweater and looking dubiously at it. Pity them. The holidays are times of fear and dread, as that’s when Theseus enthusiastically applies himself to knitting presents for friends and family; the entire auror department nearly quit en masse the time they walked into the breakroom and spotted Theseus and Newt working together on a joint knitting project for - they’re not quite sure yet. But it should be interesting. (What will the combined powers of two Scamanders do to the poor yarn?!)
It’s also my headcanon that Theseus occasionally absent-mindedly uses his wand as an improntu knitting needle, and has been known to borrow Newt’s as well for exactly that purpose. Sometimes he doesn’t bother removing the yarn from said ‘needles’ before flying into battle; there are stories of the knitting waving on his wand like some kind of miniature flag as he hurls spell after spell at gap-jawed enemies.
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