via
http://ift.tt/2nmBnAaYisss - it’s totally believable, maybe it’s a magic version? I like to think someone kept charming the memo mice into memo dicks, so it’s an official experiment because no one could successfully turn them back (or so they all said anyway).
Because Graves is in a position of authority, he can also override other people’s messages, interrupting them with monotone injections of “Boring” or “Truly fascinating O’Brien, and yet I’m still not seeing that report on my desk that was due yesterday.”
The only time he’s vaguely polite is when he’s calling for Queenie - “Miss Queenie Goldstein to the Director’s office, Code Red.”
This is the code for how strong the coffee needs to be, and whether the comfort of sugary pastry is required:
Code Black = regular black coffee.
Code Red = ‘someone will die soon if I am not sufficiently caffeinated’.
Code White is when she apparates straight up, as it generally means ‘We need to reanimate my barely functioning corpse, I’ve had three hours of sleep in two days and I can see sounds’
He’ll call for the others to bring him some just to annoy them, but he and Queenie have an understanding. “Collins doesn’t deserve any more coffee Miss Goldstein, he’s cut off until his typos are down to two per report.”
Occasionally there’s an intercom war between Graves and Seraphina:
“The President would like to remind all heads of departments that the budget meeting will begin in the Pentagram Room in precisely twenty minutes. Director Graves is particularly advised to attend.”
“Director Graves is currently attending to a serious injury sustained on the job, and as such will not be attending.”
“Director Graves is reminded that papercuts do not count as serious wizarding injuries.”
“Director Graves was unable to fully hear the last message due to blood loss and being buried under paperwork.”
“Director Graves needs to postpone his monthly injection of a sense of humour and report to the aforementioned meeting immediately.”
“Unfortunately, Director Graves has passed away.”
“I find that extremely doubtful.”
(mumbling) “As if any of you would notice.”
“One day that’s not going to work Graves.”
“You’ve reached Director Graves’ ghost - I am uncomfortable leaving my physical body alone in the office at this time.”
It’s the highlight of MACUSA’s week. They actually bring Graves coffee unprompted that day, which starts off another memorable use of the intercom - Top Minion.
“This week’s Top Minion award goes to Auror Lopez - excellent proofing. Please leave a note with the blend of that coffee when you come to collect your prize pastry. Auror Goldstein is commended for effort, but please never bring a hot dog into my office again. Aurors O’Brien and Collins are warned that any attempts to commandeer Lopez’s hard-won prize will result in a 24 hour flaccidus hex.”
Someone eventually asks why Queenie Goldstein never wins. Graves looks aghast. “Miss Goldstein is a Colleague, not a Minion, have some sense.”
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