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pitchscribbles:
It’s been a good 3 years since this episode aired, but from the very first time I heard it this has been one of my absolute favourite literary(?) quotes of all time and finally, after a couple years of procrastinating I finally finished illustrating it =u=
(Your picture was not posted)
pitchscribbles:
It’s been a good 3 years since this episode aired, but from the very first time I heard it this has been one of my absolute favourite literary(?) quotes of all time and finally, after a couple years of procrastinating I finally finished illustrating it =u=
(Your picture was not posted)
via http://ift.tt/2BXeI2S:
vastderp:
night-vale-community-radio:
night-vale-community-radio:
night-vale-community-radio:
night-vale-community-radio:
night-vale-community-radio:
GUYS WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
IM??????? IM FEELING A NEW EMOTION
IM CRYING
GUYS
GUYS
GUYS
WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS
Mr. Fink has good judgement I trust in him to make us proud
❗ THEY DID IT ❗
YES
(Your picture was not posted)
vastderp:
night-vale-community-radio:
night-vale-community-radio:
night-vale-community-radio:
night-vale-community-radio:
night-vale-community-radio:
GUYS WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
IM??????? IM FEELING A NEW EMOTION
IM CRYING
GUYS
GUYS
GUYS
WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS
Mr. Fink has good judgement I trust in him to make us proud
❗ THEY DID IT ❗
YES
(Your picture was not posted)
Welcome to Gotham. Part 1?
Aug. 22nd, 2017 07:24 amvia http://ift.tt/2vkJjmp:
hellsbellssinclub:
Note to self: Never listen to Welcome to Night Vale while reading Batman Comics. You will get fic ideas and you will not be able to get rid of them.
I hope I didn’t make it seem like I was ripping off the podcast too much. Please enjoy. I may or may not write more and am very much open for ideas.
The radio spits and hiss static before a calm and soothing Voice echoes from the speakers.
“An angst filled city where the skyscrapers reach to the sky. The smog is thick. And where we all choke on the desperation of hopes and dreams while people in capes fly over us at night; Welcome to Gotham.”
A soft piano is played for several moments. It is both haunting and beautiful and for some reason you are reminded of your grandmother. Even though your grandmother never had a piano.
“Hello Listeners. I have been asked to start off this show with a message from the Gotham Community College Council. The message is the following:
‘You may have noticed that there is an out of place classroom in building 3E that has a door plaque that says ‘Art in real life’. If you see the classroom please do not enter it. The College Council is eight-four percent sure that it is a portal to another dimension and would like to remind everyone that accidently entering another dimension and not returning for several weeks is not a good reason for absences nor for missing any tests. So please, leave that classroom alone. The matter being investigated.’
And now for the news. The eight-car pile-up down by the GCPD has been cleared away. Commissioner Gordon has released a statement saying that no one was seriously harmed and the pile-up was with mostly parked cars with no one in them. GCPD has arrested the persons who caused the crash but has not released any details as to why the crash happened. Traffic in the area will now resume its normal, slug like pace in the coming hour.
A new vigilante has appeared on Gotham’s Cape Scene this month. Who is he and what does he want? Is he a vigilante? Or is he a rogue pretending to be a vigilante? He wears a red helmet that in certain lights looks like the head of a male genitalia and a very nice leather jacket. Unlike most of the Cape Scene in Gotham, this young man uses an excessive number of guns and bullets and has a habit of killing people. So far, the young man in question has taken out several drug rings and has made himself the Crime Overlord of Crime Alley.
A rather strange goal if you ask me. But hey, whatever floats your boat Mr. Overlord. Whatever floats your boat. There has been no word on the street as of yet if or when Batman will have his confrontation with the young man, that sources say is called The Red Hood, but keep your eyes peeled and be prepared to duck and cover if you see either of them! No one likes to be hit by a stray Batarang after all. Or a bullet for that matter.
In more exciting news, The Riddler was defeated today by an eight-year-old girl named Suzie. Little Suzie is an avid fan of puns, riddles and crossword puzzles and was one of the many school children who were taken hostage at the museum yesterday while on a school field trip. Before any of the Bats managed to even break into the building, little Suzie not only completed all of the puzzles that The Riddler had left, she also threw a several thousand-dollar statue at the rogue’s head, knocking him out.
Nightwing spent at least five minutes crying with laughter at the sight of little Suzie standing over The Riddler’s unconscious body in triumph. Robin was the one who had to cuff The Riddler seeing as Nightwing was incapacitated by his own laughter. Bruce Wayne, the owner of the statue used to knock out The Riddler, has congratulated Suzie on her puzzle solving skills and good aim. The billionaire has replaced the statue with another one from his collection and has not asked for payment from anyone for the destruction of the last one. What a great guy.
Let’s have a moment to talk about safety for a moment. In the last few weeks there have been many sightings of what appears to be Ninjas. But since they look very obvious and Ninja like, this presenter is slightly hesitant to call them that. I mean, what kind of Ninja advertises that they are a Ninja? I thought the whole idea of being a Ninja was to not be seen or noticed?
Anyway. Safety. It is not a good not safe idea to heckle, curse out or attack these strange Ninja people. They have been proven to be armed and dangerous and are more than willing to leave you upside down on a light post if you annoy them. So far there have been no deaths from these strange Ninjas but it would be best to avoid them just in case.
And now, the weather:”
Instead of the weather you hear a song about waiting for a bus in the rain. You are extremely confused and have a very bad feeling that this song is going to be stuck in your head for the rest of the week.
“Welcome back listeners.
One of the newest trends for the Gotham Twitter threads has been ‘I’mtellingbatman’. And it has been a hit. While it is completely unfounded whether or not Batman actually reads these tweets, they are extremely funny and amusing to read. For instance, this one is from R33ne_Moyt who said: Nightwing has been sitting on my roof petting my cat for the last 10min. plz give her back. #i’mtellingbatman. #ineedtofeedher. And here is another one from 59oiler that said: Robin fell asleep eating a chilidog and is now covered in it XD. #i’mtellingbatman #plzletthisboysleep.
I have to say, if you have twitter and the time I would suggest you check it out. It will surely brighten your day.
Gotham City Mayoral Council has released a new statement today about the upcoming election. The Statement released explains that the new laws saying that you cannot run for mayor if you have committed serious offences or have been a part of any major gang such as Black Mask’s or Joker’s is in no way discriminatory. It is rather a precaution to ensure that they person whom is chosen for Mayor is not a figure head for any gang leader or rogue or that they are no planning to take over the city and rule as a dictator. Gotham City has strict laws on dictatorship and with having certified insane people ruling and or governing the city.
Our time is coming to an end listeners. Coming up next is the relaxing hour of sweet and soft songs from the local worshipers of the Green. Thank you, listeners. And Goodnight.”
The Voice is gone. And all that is left is static once more. You are left wondering how you came across this station in the first place.
@blackkatmagic
hellsbellssinclub:
Note to self: Never listen to Welcome to Night Vale while reading Batman Comics. You will get fic ideas and you will not be able to get rid of them.
I hope I didn’t make it seem like I was ripping off the podcast too much. Please enjoy. I may or may not write more and am very much open for ideas.
The radio spits and hiss static before a calm and soothing Voice echoes from the speakers.
“An angst filled city where the skyscrapers reach to the sky. The smog is thick. And where we all choke on the desperation of hopes and dreams while people in capes fly over us at night; Welcome to Gotham.”
A soft piano is played for several moments. It is both haunting and beautiful and for some reason you are reminded of your grandmother. Even though your grandmother never had a piano.
“Hello Listeners. I have been asked to start off this show with a message from the Gotham Community College Council. The message is the following:
‘You may have noticed that there is an out of place classroom in building 3E that has a door plaque that says ‘Art in real life’. If you see the classroom please do not enter it. The College Council is eight-four percent sure that it is a portal to another dimension and would like to remind everyone that accidently entering another dimension and not returning for several weeks is not a good reason for absences nor for missing any tests. So please, leave that classroom alone. The matter being investigated.’
And now for the news. The eight-car pile-up down by the GCPD has been cleared away. Commissioner Gordon has released a statement saying that no one was seriously harmed and the pile-up was with mostly parked cars with no one in them. GCPD has arrested the persons who caused the crash but has not released any details as to why the crash happened. Traffic in the area will now resume its normal, slug like pace in the coming hour.
A new vigilante has appeared on Gotham’s Cape Scene this month. Who is he and what does he want? Is he a vigilante? Or is he a rogue pretending to be a vigilante? He wears a red helmet that in certain lights looks like the head of a male genitalia and a very nice leather jacket. Unlike most of the Cape Scene in Gotham, this young man uses an excessive number of guns and bullets and has a habit of killing people. So far, the young man in question has taken out several drug rings and has made himself the Crime Overlord of Crime Alley.
A rather strange goal if you ask me. But hey, whatever floats your boat Mr. Overlord. Whatever floats your boat. There has been no word on the street as of yet if or when Batman will have his confrontation with the young man, that sources say is called The Red Hood, but keep your eyes peeled and be prepared to duck and cover if you see either of them! No one likes to be hit by a stray Batarang after all. Or a bullet for that matter.
In more exciting news, The Riddler was defeated today by an eight-year-old girl named Suzie. Little Suzie is an avid fan of puns, riddles and crossword puzzles and was one of the many school children who were taken hostage at the museum yesterday while on a school field trip. Before any of the Bats managed to even break into the building, little Suzie not only completed all of the puzzles that The Riddler had left, she also threw a several thousand-dollar statue at the rogue’s head, knocking him out.
Nightwing spent at least five minutes crying with laughter at the sight of little Suzie standing over The Riddler’s unconscious body in triumph. Robin was the one who had to cuff The Riddler seeing as Nightwing was incapacitated by his own laughter. Bruce Wayne, the owner of the statue used to knock out The Riddler, has congratulated Suzie on her puzzle solving skills and good aim. The billionaire has replaced the statue with another one from his collection and has not asked for payment from anyone for the destruction of the last one. What a great guy.
Let’s have a moment to talk about safety for a moment. In the last few weeks there have been many sightings of what appears to be Ninjas. But since they look very obvious and Ninja like, this presenter is slightly hesitant to call them that. I mean, what kind of Ninja advertises that they are a Ninja? I thought the whole idea of being a Ninja was to not be seen or noticed?
Anyway. Safety. It is not a good not safe idea to heckle, curse out or attack these strange Ninja people. They have been proven to be armed and dangerous and are more than willing to leave you upside down on a light post if you annoy them. So far there have been no deaths from these strange Ninjas but it would be best to avoid them just in case.
And now, the weather:”
Instead of the weather you hear a song about waiting for a bus in the rain. You are extremely confused and have a very bad feeling that this song is going to be stuck in your head for the rest of the week.
“Welcome back listeners.
One of the newest trends for the Gotham Twitter threads has been ‘I’mtellingbatman’. And it has been a hit. While it is completely unfounded whether or not Batman actually reads these tweets, they are extremely funny and amusing to read. For instance, this one is from R33ne_Moyt who said: Nightwing has been sitting on my roof petting my cat for the last 10min. plz give her back. #i’mtellingbatman. #ineedtofeedher. And here is another one from 59oiler that said: Robin fell asleep eating a chilidog and is now covered in it XD. #i’mtellingbatman #plzletthisboysleep.
I have to say, if you have twitter and the time I would suggest you check it out. It will surely brighten your day.
Gotham City Mayoral Council has released a new statement today about the upcoming election. The Statement released explains that the new laws saying that you cannot run for mayor if you have committed serious offences or have been a part of any major gang such as Black Mask’s or Joker’s is in no way discriminatory. It is rather a precaution to ensure that they person whom is chosen for Mayor is not a figure head for any gang leader or rogue or that they are no planning to take over the city and rule as a dictator. Gotham City has strict laws on dictatorship and with having certified insane people ruling and or governing the city.
Our time is coming to an end listeners. Coming up next is the relaxing hour of sweet and soft songs from the local worshipers of the Green. Thank you, listeners. And Goodnight.”
The Voice is gone. And all that is left is static once more. You are left wondering how you came across this station in the first place.
@blackkatmagic
Story: The Sheriff Debate
Dec. 29th, 2016 06:23 amvia http://ift.tt/2hykgdF:
The Sheriff Debatesby hamelin_born
Fandom: Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them/Welcome to Night Vale fusion
Original Prompt and Fill. AO3 Link.
Summary:
Grindlewald found it far too much of a hassle to keep Percival Graves on hand. He wiped his memories instead, and dumped him in a little town in the middle of nowhere - just in case he needed the man later on.
Six months later, Percival Graves runs for the office of Sheriff of Night Vale.
The desert owl hoots. The cactus flowers rustle. The neighbors have been arrested for malicious loitering.
Welcome - to Night Vale.
(Instrumental).
Today marks the final day of elections for the position of Sheriff. And what an election it has been! Who could forget the opening race across the dessert? The bloody footprints of the participants as they ran, neck and neck, across the Sand Wastes? Each man - and woman, and being of indeterminate and purposefully obscure gender, species, and denomination - carried forward by the courage of their convictions and the sniper rounds snapping at their heels.
In a completely unanticipated turn of events, the man in a red balaclava who we all suspect is the sheriff has faced unexpected competition from new Night Vale resident and sheriff candidate Mister Graves. Mister Graves – that’s Mister with an i, not an r – has only recently arrived in our lovely desert community, but he has already proven himself to be a true citizen of Night Vale. He just had the misfortune to be born outside city limits, but if you slice him open, I’m sure that the name of our home is written on his heart. Figuratively, not literally. Don’t do that, because there will be a lot of blood and a lot of screaming and then the Sheriff’s Secret Police will have to arrest you and charge you with murder, and we’ll have to get a jury, and it’ll just be a hassle.
This is the first time that not one, but two candidates for Sheriff have ever reached this point in the Sheriff Trials. I know because I sent Intern Karen down to take a look at municipal records, and usually most of the other candidates – if there are any – have quit or been killed by this stage. Today marks a completely new event – we’ve never gotten to do this before – the Sheriff Debates. I can see that you’re curious. What is a Sheriff Debate? We’ve never needed one before!
Well, I sent Intern Karen down to poke around City Hall and ask a few questions. And it turns out that in a Sheriff Debate, we get to ask the two Sheriff Candidates questions! And then we vote based on how they respond. Incidentally, I don’t think we’ve ever been able to vote for who we want to be the Sheriff before! I’m sure it’ll be quite the experience!
Here’s a little bit of background while they gather enough ground meat to build two separate podiums. As you all know, the man in a red balaclava who we all suspect to be the Sheriff has been the suspected Sheriff longer then anyone else in Night Vale history. We don’t know his name, his face, where he lives, his telephone number, or exactly what he does – but we know he’s done a lot for us, right? The Sheriff’s secret police are indispensible to the fair and organized running of our town, and we’d all be lost without them. And I’m not just saying that because one of them gave me a map last year after my car got ticketed with the word ‘parking lot’ scribbled over the cactus grove between the Ralph’s and Dark Owl Records. They’ve helped us so much, and, presumably, it’s all thanks to the man in the red balaclava who we all suspect is the Sheriff.
Mister Graves, in turn, is a more recent member of our community. I mean, I think. We don’t really know how long the man in the red balaclava who we all suspect is the Sheriff has been here. Mister Graves, however, arrived in Night Vale six months ago, tied up – quite professionally, I’ve been told – stuffed in a sack, with a gag thrust between his teeth. He was immediately granted citizenship – the City Counsel apparently agreed that anyone that polite deserved to be a citizen. His integration into the town has only been strengthened by the fact of his near-complete amnesia – apparently, he can only remember his name. Nonetheless, he has done a superb job as the new daycare center employee – as his employers, who have declined to be identified – whispered to me, the little tots all love Mister Graves. As do their older siblings, who have taken to hanging around the building after school lets out. Apparently, no one does the voices like Mister Graves does during storytelling, and his bloodstone circle chants are a thing of beauty. And let us not forget that in the time he’s been employed at the daycare, their weekly firearms drills, parades, and attack scores have reached an all-time high – apparently, Mister Graves has a positive gift for teaching!
But will his experience leading an army of toddlers be enough to win the position of Sheriff? We’ll find out shortly – Intern Karen reports that the Sheriff debates are about to begin!
Karen says that before the first inquiry could be made, the man in the red balaclava who we all suspect to be the Sheriff harrumphed, said that there was no way Mister Graves could ever be Sheriff, refused to answer any questions, crossed his arms, and – we think – pouted. Accordingly, all of the questions were instead directed at Mister Graves.
Intern Karen says that the first question was this: ‘Why do you want to be Sheriff?’ Mister Graves apparently didn’t hesitate in his response.
“Because Night Vale deserves better. The current Sheriff isn’t doing his job – the Sheriff’s Secret Police are poorly equipped and poorly trained.” Here he paused, and looked at the crowd. “How many people know that the Sheriff’s Secret Police wear balaclavas?” Well, obviously we all do, and the crowd said as much. Mister Graves nodded. “That isn’t very secret. Everyone knows what the Sheriff’s Secret Police look like. Everyone knows that you can find a member of the Sheriff’s Secret Police if you whistle into a rain gutter or fall down a sewer pipe accidentally, or scream bloody vengeance at the moon in the middle of a bloodstone circle on Wednesday. That isn’t very secret. And who here can tell me what a member of the Sheriff’s non-secret police look like?”
And here we all paused. Because I can’t remember the last time I saw a non-Secret Police officer. I mean, really. What do they even look like?
Mister Graves was – well, grave. He nodded. “The Sheriff’s Secret police needs more funds. Better equipment. Extensive treatment. Thanks to my experience leading the daycare, I’m prepared to deal with all of the above.”
And, well, you have to admit that he’s got a point there. The daycare has never looked better!
The next question: ‘You have amnesia. How can you even be Sheriff?”
Mister Graves paused for a moment before answering. “Well, I’ve actually read a book about the law.” And I can’t decide admitting that he read an actual book is bravery or audacity. “And,” he continued, “My lack of memory really is an advantage. Because I don’t know who I was before I came to Night Vale. I could be anyone. A lawyer. A used car salesman. A thief. A mayor. Your uncle. Your cousin. Your brother. Anyone. And if I could be anyone, I could be you. Yes, you heard me right. I could be you. And who would be better as Sheriff then you?” And the crowd all nodded, because of course they would be awesome as Sheriff. Even if they never wanted to be Sheriff, of course. Because who would want to be Sheriff? It’s a lot of hard work!
The last question – because there are only three questions allowed in a Sheriff debate, according to the degree the City Council passed hastily in their secret meeting in the secret bunker at the very last minute before midnight yesterday. ‘What’s the first thing you would you do as Sheriff?’
Mister Graves has obviously been thinking about this. “Arrest the City Council. Did you know they haven’t paid their taxes in sixty-two years?”
I did not know this, listeners. And neither did the rest of the crowd. And neither had the City Council, judging by the loud yammering and unintelligible groans of sensory deprivation vibrating from City Hall. Can you imagine? Not paying the taxes? The taxes which the City Council raise as a matter of principle every tax season? That’s just not nice.
Now that the Sheriff Debate had been concluded, we now proceed to the last remaining stage of the election – the trial by combat. As the challenger, Mister Graves gets to pick the weapons, and – what’s this? Intern Karen, slow down, I can’t – I can’t make out what you’re saying. What did you say –
Oh no.
Listeners. Listeners, I can barely believe it, but Mister Graves has picked Trial by Librarian.
Mister Graves has challenged the man in the red balaclava we all suspect to be the Sheriff to walk with him into – into the Library. The first man to emerge alive with a copy of the Constitution of the United States of America will be the new Sheriff. And – can he do that? Intern Karen, can he do that?
According to intern Karen, who just watched the City Counsel turn themselves inside out before vanishing in a puff of space-time, Mister Graves can do that.
They’re walking towards the Library now. Side by side. Mister Graves – Mister Graves is not trembling. Mister Graves is not sweating. Mister Graves looks – slightly annoyed? Maybe it’s because the man in the red balaclava who we all suspect is the Sheriff is sweating and trembling, and probably crying, judging by the wet stains on his balaclava. They’re getting closer to the door now. Closer. Closer.
The air has gone quiet. They’re almost there, and – Mister Graves has stretched out his hand. Mister Graves has put his hand on the doorknob. Mister Graves is turning the doorknob -
And the man in the red balaclava who we all secretly suspect to be the Sheriff – is gone. He turned and fled when Mister Graves stepped inside the looking black portal that leads into the Library. And – I’m confused. Can Mister Graves be Sheriff now? I mean, the man in the red balaclava who may or may not be the Sheriff has forfeited his place as Sheriff by turning and running for the Dark Owl Music Records store, but can Mister Graves even be Sheriff if a Librarian has torn him inch by well-dressed inch?
Citizens of Night Vale. To the family, friends, students, and co-workers of Mister Graves, I am sad to announce the passing of a fine man. He was – he was not a man I knew well. But he was a good man. A great man, daring to enter the Library because he believed in the law. Because he had a dream of a Sheriff’s Secret Police who were truly secret. Who believed, to his last breath, in the Constitution of the United States of America. Night Vale – everyone – in honor of Mister Graves, I take you now –
To the weather.
(Music plays.)
Listeners. Listeners, I cannot believe it, but – Mister Graves is alive!
He walked through the door of the Library, a copy of the Constitution proudly clutched in one hand. His suit was impeccable. His stern expression was untamed. He was – he was pristine! Listeners, we have a new Sheriff! Mister Graves – no. No, Sheriff Graves nodded seriously at the crowds cheering his name and demanding to know how he did it, how did he do that!
“I like to read.” Sheriff Graves admitted dolorously. What a brave man to share such a weakness! “I brought my copy of Little Women with me. And when the Librarians swarmed me, I told them that the building was not up to code, and offered to get them the appropriate documents to fill out. They’re still working on those, actually.”
What steadfast courage. What manipulative cunning. Listeners, let me be the first to welcome Sheriff Graves.
The future is truly bright. The future is truly clouded. But listeners – it is up to us to decide which of these the future truly is. It is, of course, both. And sometimes it’s not. Sometimes, the future is a past that can’t be remembered. Sometimes, it’s a ravenous Librarian descending upon you, claws outstretched. And always – always. It’s up to you to decide what it’s supposed to be. Personally, I’d avoid the future with the Librarians, but that’s just me.
Stay turned for details on the hooded and robes figures who attempted to swarm Sheriff Graves before the Sheriff conclusively proved that these figures were not the same hooded figures that live in the forbidden dog park. They were promptly swarmed by outraged Night Vale citizens before being driven from our town in shameful defeat. And as always, good night, Night Vale.
Good Night.
The Sheriff Debatesby hamelin_born
Fandom: Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them/Welcome to Night Vale fusion
Original Prompt and Fill. AO3 Link.
Summary:
Grindlewald found it far too much of a hassle to keep Percival Graves on hand. He wiped his memories instead, and dumped him in a little town in the middle of nowhere - just in case he needed the man later on.
Six months later, Percival Graves runs for the office of Sheriff of Night Vale.
The desert owl hoots. The cactus flowers rustle. The neighbors have been arrested for malicious loitering.
Welcome - to Night Vale.
(Instrumental).
Today marks the final day of elections for the position of Sheriff. And what an election it has been! Who could forget the opening race across the dessert? The bloody footprints of the participants as they ran, neck and neck, across the Sand Wastes? Each man - and woman, and being of indeterminate and purposefully obscure gender, species, and denomination - carried forward by the courage of their convictions and the sniper rounds snapping at their heels.
In a completely unanticipated turn of events, the man in a red balaclava who we all suspect is the sheriff has faced unexpected competition from new Night Vale resident and sheriff candidate Mister Graves. Mister Graves – that’s Mister with an i, not an r – has only recently arrived in our lovely desert community, but he has already proven himself to be a true citizen of Night Vale. He just had the misfortune to be born outside city limits, but if you slice him open, I’m sure that the name of our home is written on his heart. Figuratively, not literally. Don’t do that, because there will be a lot of blood and a lot of screaming and then the Sheriff’s Secret Police will have to arrest you and charge you with murder, and we’ll have to get a jury, and it’ll just be a hassle.
This is the first time that not one, but two candidates for Sheriff have ever reached this point in the Sheriff Trials. I know because I sent Intern Karen down to take a look at municipal records, and usually most of the other candidates – if there are any – have quit or been killed by this stage. Today marks a completely new event – we’ve never gotten to do this before – the Sheriff Debates. I can see that you’re curious. What is a Sheriff Debate? We’ve never needed one before!
Well, I sent Intern Karen down to poke around City Hall and ask a few questions. And it turns out that in a Sheriff Debate, we get to ask the two Sheriff Candidates questions! And then we vote based on how they respond. Incidentally, I don’t think we’ve ever been able to vote for who we want to be the Sheriff before! I’m sure it’ll be quite the experience!
Here’s a little bit of background while they gather enough ground meat to build two separate podiums. As you all know, the man in a red balaclava who we all suspect to be the Sheriff has been the suspected Sheriff longer then anyone else in Night Vale history. We don’t know his name, his face, where he lives, his telephone number, or exactly what he does – but we know he’s done a lot for us, right? The Sheriff’s secret police are indispensible to the fair and organized running of our town, and we’d all be lost without them. And I’m not just saying that because one of them gave me a map last year after my car got ticketed with the word ‘parking lot’ scribbled over the cactus grove between the Ralph’s and Dark Owl Records. They’ve helped us so much, and, presumably, it’s all thanks to the man in the red balaclava who we all suspect is the Sheriff.
Mister Graves, in turn, is a more recent member of our community. I mean, I think. We don’t really know how long the man in the red balaclava who we all suspect is the Sheriff has been here. Mister Graves, however, arrived in Night Vale six months ago, tied up – quite professionally, I’ve been told – stuffed in a sack, with a gag thrust between his teeth. He was immediately granted citizenship – the City Counsel apparently agreed that anyone that polite deserved to be a citizen. His integration into the town has only been strengthened by the fact of his near-complete amnesia – apparently, he can only remember his name. Nonetheless, he has done a superb job as the new daycare center employee – as his employers, who have declined to be identified – whispered to me, the little tots all love Mister Graves. As do their older siblings, who have taken to hanging around the building after school lets out. Apparently, no one does the voices like Mister Graves does during storytelling, and his bloodstone circle chants are a thing of beauty. And let us not forget that in the time he’s been employed at the daycare, their weekly firearms drills, parades, and attack scores have reached an all-time high – apparently, Mister Graves has a positive gift for teaching!
But will his experience leading an army of toddlers be enough to win the position of Sheriff? We’ll find out shortly – Intern Karen reports that the Sheriff debates are about to begin!
Karen says that before the first inquiry could be made, the man in the red balaclava who we all suspect to be the Sheriff harrumphed, said that there was no way Mister Graves could ever be Sheriff, refused to answer any questions, crossed his arms, and – we think – pouted. Accordingly, all of the questions were instead directed at Mister Graves.
Intern Karen says that the first question was this: ‘Why do you want to be Sheriff?’ Mister Graves apparently didn’t hesitate in his response.
“Because Night Vale deserves better. The current Sheriff isn’t doing his job – the Sheriff’s Secret Police are poorly equipped and poorly trained.” Here he paused, and looked at the crowd. “How many people know that the Sheriff’s Secret Police wear balaclavas?” Well, obviously we all do, and the crowd said as much. Mister Graves nodded. “That isn’t very secret. Everyone knows what the Sheriff’s Secret Police look like. Everyone knows that you can find a member of the Sheriff’s Secret Police if you whistle into a rain gutter or fall down a sewer pipe accidentally, or scream bloody vengeance at the moon in the middle of a bloodstone circle on Wednesday. That isn’t very secret. And who here can tell me what a member of the Sheriff’s non-secret police look like?”
And here we all paused. Because I can’t remember the last time I saw a non-Secret Police officer. I mean, really. What do they even look like?
Mister Graves was – well, grave. He nodded. “The Sheriff’s Secret police needs more funds. Better equipment. Extensive treatment. Thanks to my experience leading the daycare, I’m prepared to deal with all of the above.”
And, well, you have to admit that he’s got a point there. The daycare has never looked better!
The next question: ‘You have amnesia. How can you even be Sheriff?”
Mister Graves paused for a moment before answering. “Well, I’ve actually read a book about the law.” And I can’t decide admitting that he read an actual book is bravery or audacity. “And,” he continued, “My lack of memory really is an advantage. Because I don’t know who I was before I came to Night Vale. I could be anyone. A lawyer. A used car salesman. A thief. A mayor. Your uncle. Your cousin. Your brother. Anyone. And if I could be anyone, I could be you. Yes, you heard me right. I could be you. And who would be better as Sheriff then you?” And the crowd all nodded, because of course they would be awesome as Sheriff. Even if they never wanted to be Sheriff, of course. Because who would want to be Sheriff? It’s a lot of hard work!
The last question – because there are only three questions allowed in a Sheriff debate, according to the degree the City Council passed hastily in their secret meeting in the secret bunker at the very last minute before midnight yesterday. ‘What’s the first thing you would you do as Sheriff?’
Mister Graves has obviously been thinking about this. “Arrest the City Council. Did you know they haven’t paid their taxes in sixty-two years?”
I did not know this, listeners. And neither did the rest of the crowd. And neither had the City Council, judging by the loud yammering and unintelligible groans of sensory deprivation vibrating from City Hall. Can you imagine? Not paying the taxes? The taxes which the City Council raise as a matter of principle every tax season? That’s just not nice.
Now that the Sheriff Debate had been concluded, we now proceed to the last remaining stage of the election – the trial by combat. As the challenger, Mister Graves gets to pick the weapons, and – what’s this? Intern Karen, slow down, I can’t – I can’t make out what you’re saying. What did you say –
Oh no.
Listeners. Listeners, I can barely believe it, but Mister Graves has picked Trial by Librarian.
Mister Graves has challenged the man in the red balaclava we all suspect to be the Sheriff to walk with him into – into the Library. The first man to emerge alive with a copy of the Constitution of the United States of America will be the new Sheriff. And – can he do that? Intern Karen, can he do that?
According to intern Karen, who just watched the City Counsel turn themselves inside out before vanishing in a puff of space-time, Mister Graves can do that.
They’re walking towards the Library now. Side by side. Mister Graves – Mister Graves is not trembling. Mister Graves is not sweating. Mister Graves looks – slightly annoyed? Maybe it’s because the man in the red balaclava who we all suspect is the Sheriff is sweating and trembling, and probably crying, judging by the wet stains on his balaclava. They’re getting closer to the door now. Closer. Closer.
The air has gone quiet. They’re almost there, and – Mister Graves has stretched out his hand. Mister Graves has put his hand on the doorknob. Mister Graves is turning the doorknob -
And the man in the red balaclava who we all secretly suspect to be the Sheriff – is gone. He turned and fled when Mister Graves stepped inside the looking black portal that leads into the Library. And – I’m confused. Can Mister Graves be Sheriff now? I mean, the man in the red balaclava who may or may not be the Sheriff has forfeited his place as Sheriff by turning and running for the Dark Owl Music Records store, but can Mister Graves even be Sheriff if a Librarian has torn him inch by well-dressed inch?
Citizens of Night Vale. To the family, friends, students, and co-workers of Mister Graves, I am sad to announce the passing of a fine man. He was – he was not a man I knew well. But he was a good man. A great man, daring to enter the Library because he believed in the law. Because he had a dream of a Sheriff’s Secret Police who were truly secret. Who believed, to his last breath, in the Constitution of the United States of America. Night Vale – everyone – in honor of Mister Graves, I take you now –
To the weather.
(Music plays.)
Listeners. Listeners, I cannot believe it, but – Mister Graves is alive!
He walked through the door of the Library, a copy of the Constitution proudly clutched in one hand. His suit was impeccable. His stern expression was untamed. He was – he was pristine! Listeners, we have a new Sheriff! Mister Graves – no. No, Sheriff Graves nodded seriously at the crowds cheering his name and demanding to know how he did it, how did he do that!
“I like to read.” Sheriff Graves admitted dolorously. What a brave man to share such a weakness! “I brought my copy of Little Women with me. And when the Librarians swarmed me, I told them that the building was not up to code, and offered to get them the appropriate documents to fill out. They’re still working on those, actually.”
What steadfast courage. What manipulative cunning. Listeners, let me be the first to welcome Sheriff Graves.
The future is truly bright. The future is truly clouded. But listeners – it is up to us to decide which of these the future truly is. It is, of course, both. And sometimes it’s not. Sometimes, the future is a past that can’t be remembered. Sometimes, it’s a ravenous Librarian descending upon you, claws outstretched. And always – always. It’s up to you to decide what it’s supposed to be. Personally, I’d avoid the future with the Librarians, but that’s just me.
Stay turned for details on the hooded and robes figures who attempted to swarm Sheriff Graves before the Sheriff conclusively proved that these figures were not the same hooded figures that live in the forbidden dog park. They were promptly swarmed by outraged Night Vale citizens before being driven from our town in shameful defeat. And as always, good night, Night Vale.
Good Night.
